A Second Glance

Thoughts prior to posting:

After reading the introduction to “A Second Glance”, I was thinking, “NOPE! Looks like I’m not sharing.” (L0L!) I’ll share with Tiffany but there is no way I’m about to share with other people because these are my personal thoughts. Not only that, but I’m an introvert and I don’t readily give information about myself to others. But the more I thought about it, and after remembering that I told Tiffany I would post it (L0L!), I thought okay I’ll share. Soo Enjoy..?

Background:

My foundation was laid by my mother and my grandparents. These three people have had the biggest impact on my life. My mother was a single parent, had three jobs, and was the sole provider. My grandfather was the achiever, had a doctorate, was a pastor, and minister. And my grandmother was the true representation of a lady, wife, mother, with a gentle caring spirit. All three, have had an impact on how I view myself and helped develop my confidence. By confidence I mean the fact that I was not easily influenced to be something I was not, I was my own individual, and I was determined to chase my dreams and fulfill my propose no matter the cost. I knew who I was and I was comfortable in the skin I was in.

One of my favorite things to do with my grandmother was to simply sit on the porch and watch people. I imagine she watched the neighborhood transform before her eyes as the respectable black people moved out, and the ignorant, no commonsense having, young people moved in. I would always hear her say, “My goodness, look at these young ladies with children!” “Look, I can see her bottom coming out of her shorts!” “Lord have mercy, I can see all down her shirt!” I don’t remember her telling me directly not to do these things but her message came across very clear that a lady should respect her body in all aspects. (To this day I don’t wear shorts. Nothing wrong with shorts, but since my legs are so long it always seems like I’m revealing more than I should).

As a child, I was always a free spirit, adventurous, a dreamer, and I allowed my imagination to take me places I had never been. If you are familiar with the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, you would call me an INFJ. The only thing I remember wanting different was straight hair since I started going to a school where I was the only black person. Other than that, I was completely satisfied with myself including my appearance, until… My mother got married. Her physically and verbally abusive marriage had a negative effect on my appearance. Not only that, but my eyes sight started changing, and yes, the years of the dreaded glasses came. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized the extent of my stepfather’s controlling nature. He controlled my mother by being abusive and controlled me by controlling my physical appearance (buying me boyish looking clothes and big glasses). The simple freedom of dressing myself was taken away from me. Being a creative person, one can imagine how these were the worst years of my life. Even though we were well off financially, it seemed like my stepparent was the only one benefiting. It wasn’t until the middle, to end of high school when my mother finally got out of that relationship. I was “free” to dress myself again, in a way that represented “me”.

At first I didn’t know what to do with this freedom and for many years I played it safe. Not really expressing myself through my appearance, partly because I didn’t know what I liked on me anymore. Eleven years of being in an controlling, fear inducing household, not being able to share my opinion, etc had really taken a toll on me and it wasn’t until recently (past 3 years) that I was able to dress the way my creativity and imagination allowed.

Present Day:

What I choose to dress my body in is very important to me. Not the “it’s got to be name brand or cost more than $500” important but it’s imperative that it’s pleasing to my eyes. Thus, I have never been a bandwagon participant to trends and crazes. To me my body is my personal masterpiece. It is a direct reflection of who I am. I don’t have any tattoos, but I do have a nose ring, only because in my opinion it compliments my face. Recently I went natural, not because everyone seems to be on the natural movement, but because I like big hair and for other personal reasons like marking a pivotal point in my journey in life, and embracing the way I was created. I tend to stay away from: fake nails, thin or colored-in eye brows, colored contacts, a face caked with makeup, weaves, fake eyelashes, etc, because I don’t feel like these things truly represent me as a person, and they definitely don’t reflect my values given to me by my grandparents. To me, these things strip me of my identity. I find myself staying away from these things also because certain females who may have my same skin complexion or similar facial features do things that give us a bad reputation as females. For example: I don’t know how many times I’ve been stopped and lectured by “Street Prophets”, “Deacons”, “Bishops”, “Ministers”, whose discernment was way off, but they felt like they had a word from God for me, telling me to leave these thugs in the street alone, and I don’t need to have “baby daddies” … (At this point I wish I could somehow type in my facial expression.)

Those who know me are probably laughing. I don’t know any “thugs”, and I clearly don’t have any children. I’ve only been in one relationship, to someone I have known since I was eight years old and I’ve been with this person for going on 8 years. He is someone who challenges me mentally, and has a career of his own, as I do. Anyway, interestingly enough, since I’ve gone natural these types of judgments have stopped. Hmmm… L0L!

That’s pretty much my identity and appearance story thus far…