A Second Glance

I have always wanted to be a person that people say is pretty and not a person that people say has a great personality. I think that springs from my past. My family and community are both obsessed with outside beauty. I come from a community where it is socially acceptable to drive a BMW and have fake boobs.
I used to hate so many things about myself when I looked in a mirror that I did not want a single mirror in my house. Although, now luckily, I am understand that you just have to be happy with yourself.

My weight has always been the one thing I wish I could fix. It started in grade school that I started to obsess about my weight. I had a yellow Tommy jacket when I was in third grade, and I remember Luke Smith calling me ‘big bird’… Although, still to this day I wake up and think about how I wish I was smaller. In high school, my senior year , I worked out three times a day, and I became obsessive about what went into my body. I would go to the gym at 4:30 a.m. before school, have advanced physical conditioning, and then had softball practice. At this time I was maxing out at 300 lbs for squat, which made my legs the size of tree trunks. I would eat egg beaters with fruit in the morning, at lunch a salad with no dressing aka just lettuce, and for dinner I would always tell my parents I wasn’t hungry.

I wanted to look perfect for college. When it was time to buy my prom dress I was actually kind of excited because I felt pretty. I went shopping in Atlanta for my dress with my three sisters. My sister Holly, helped me in the dressing room. After I had tried on about two dresses I started having a panic attack because they didn’t look the way I wanted. In the middle of trying the third dress on I started shaking and tears ran down my face as I screamed at my sister to stop looking at my body. (I am shaking right now thinking about how I felt then) I remember her reassuring me that I looked fine, but of course… I thought she was just saying that to calm me down. My sisters to this day still joke about how I reacted that day, but to me it is not a joke.

Like always I eventually gained the weight back. Spring semester of my freshman year, I joined a sorority, which only made me even more insecure about my appearance. All of the women who were in my sorority were great people, but I had trouble getting past the fact that I was the one of the biggest members. Majority of women dated athletes, were a size 2, had perfect hair, and always came equipped with the newest Juicy purse.

One of the major reasons I joined the sorority I did was because my mother was a member. I have always longed for my mother’s acceptance, but I never live up to her standards. She used to tell me all the time that I needed to get in shape. To this day whenever I talk to her she always slips in something about how I need to change my appearance. I remember when I was little we were half way to the pool one time, and we had to drive all the way home because she forgot to apply lipstick. She never goes anywhere without her lipstick and hair teased to a tee.

My dad is just like my mom on this topic, if not worse now. Daddy works out at least five times a week for an hr and ½ or more. My father never lets me forget that I am bigger. The summer before my freshman year of high school, he told me I was a ‘fat fuck’. Of course, he does not remember that at all. My dad is my best friend, but he does not understand that I am a woman, and he cannot be so blunt when he is talking about issues like my weight.

People always see me as an outgoing kind of person, but in reality… that is not who I am at all. Loud, in your face Ashley is the Ashley people see when they do not know me well. Being loud is a cover up for my insecurities.

Over the past year and half, I have finally become happier with who I am. There will always be things I want to change about myself, but I have learned that in life true friends don’t care about anything except what is inside you. I really started to think I wasn’t totally hideous with the help from guys I have dated in the past. It boosted my confidence to have people for once be in my corner saying I looked ok haha…

I now feel like I sound silly about this whole topic, but I am pretty sure I am not alone on the way I feel. I am sure that other people in the world feel the same way I do about their weight.